The Haunted Haunt!
by OtterFrog
Summary: Zim has discovered something called 'ghosts' that he is determined to use in his conquest of Earth. Dib, as usual, is determined to put a stop to his plans. Who will succeed? And are there such things as ghosts anyway? Huzzah! Now completed!
1. Chapter 1

The Haunted Haunt

_Usual disclaimer: I do not own anything about Invader Zim. I do however, own the word 'skeefleumber', so don't you use it!_

It was yet another afternoon on the skool playground and the kids were out playing their usual games or simply hanging about with their friends. There were a few exceptions (isn't there always?) Dib was near his sister totally engrossed in drawing up another idea to expose Zim, his sister Gaz doing her best to pretend her brother only existed as a figment of someone else's imagination and Zim was standing in the corner of the school grounds.

He stood there bored almost out of his superior Irken mind, observing how simple games entertained the human dirt babies. How can something like hitting a spherical object with a piece of wood cause so much excitement? Or jumping around with a bit of rope? Or squatting in the dirt arguing over a pile of colored cards? Truly this species was just worthy only to be Irken slaves. He wondered what task his leaders, the Tallest, would use them for. Sorting space rocks, most likely. They didn't seem to be intelligent enough for any complicated tasks.

He yawned, and then decided to walk along the fence towards the doors. Soon the bell would ring anyway and they'd all have to go in. Zim had discovered that this was about the safest place to be on the playground. Standing out in the open only invited loose balls to smack into his middle (intended or accidental) or caused collisions with the running kids who were too dimmed in the brain cases to watch where they were going.

Perhaps his leaders could use the human worm children to feed the captives in the Irken Zoo. That would give them an actual purpose to exist..

Zim noticed that his direction would go right past the most irritating kid of all, Dib. Hmmm, he would make a good meal for the Irken Tree-Biter Beast. Oh yes, now there's a creature that was a pleasure to feed. Once it fastened its fanged eyelids on prey it slowly pulled the unfortunate back and took its sweet time gnawing and chewing its victim. Zim could just see Dib squirming in its grasp and the thought entertained him enough to stop and lean against the fence, savoring it.

Dib and the Tree Biter, yes.

The thought was broken into by a group of giggling girls walking past. Zim glared at them but they took no notice. One girl had a book open while the other three were trying to peer inside.

"Come on, Gail!" one girl begged. "What happened next? Did the girl get killed? Did the ghost get her?"

"Did she become a ghost too?" breathed another.

"Did she get her head cut off?" added the third.

Gail waved them off. "Gimme room! Gimme room!" They settled on the bench not three feet from Zim and Gail opened the book wider. "Ok, we stopped at…..where did we stop?"

"Chapter Three!" the other girls chorused, giggling in such a high pitched manner that made Zim wince.

"Ok ok..*ahem*…so…chapter three." Gail cleared her throat and then began to read in a slow, careful and scary voice. "She thought she was alone. Allll alone in the big creepy house. The only light she had was her flashlight with the weak battery because her boyfriend had taken the spotlight. It flickered and seemed about to go out. She will soon be alllloonnee in the…Dark!"

The other girls gasped and giggled, causing Zim to look disgustedly at the sky.

Gail resumed reading. "Even her faithful dog was gone. She hoped he had made his way home but since the last pet she owned, Fluffy the kitten, had been horribly cut to small pieces and fed to the zombie parakeet she was pretty sure Fido had met the same fate."

"Awww, poor Fluffy and Fido!"

"But suddenly.." Gail's voice went low and earnest. "Suddenly she heard a sound. It was coming from downstairs. Thump! Thump! Thump! Her heart went into her throat, she knew what that meant. It was coming! Coming for her!"

In spite of himself Zim found himself interested up in the tale. Something that made humans' hearts shift position? This knowledge might be useful to him!

"Thump! Thump! Thump! Up the stairs it came. Closer and closer! Thump! Thump! The hollow sound from the old creaky wooden steps sent shivers like an icy hand go up her spine. Thump! Thump!"

Hmmm, this phenomenon also caused human spines to chill. Interesting.

"Then, her flashlight went out! She was in pitch blackness! Alone in the dark! Alone in the dark, in the big creepy house haunted by…haunted by the HAUNTED MEATBALL!"

The girls all squealed in delighted feigned terror at the same time the skoolbell rang. Amid the disappointed 'awwwwws' Gail closed the book and the girls made their way to the doors. Zim rubbed his chin and stared thoughtfully after them. A haunted food item? What was'haunted' anyway? What did it mean?

"Hey ZIM!" came a shout practically right beside him and he jumped. Dib was walking near and he grinned at him. "Whatzamatter, ghost stories get to you? Superior being, my grandma!"

"Your aged relative cannot be superior to me, because I am NORMALLY SUPERIOR! Or SUPERIORLY NORMAL!" Flustered, Zim tried to hide his momentary confusion in shouting. "And why should a ghosty story 'get' to me, Dib-Stink?"

"Oooh, you believe in ghosts, Zim?"

"I…" Zim's pupils set in the human contact lens shifted about. "Why would I not believe ghosts, do they lie?"

Dib snorted. "Not 'believe', 'believe in'! As of thinking they exist! Don't you have ghosts on your planet?"

"Oh COURSE we DO!" the Irken sniffed. "Uh…I mean, where I'm FROM we have ghosts! They…they make great pets!"

Dib laughed in a way that made Zim grate his teeth. "Oh man! You just have no clue, do you?"

"Zim has several clues, Dib-soon-to-be-food-for-zoo-creatures! Mind that I don't throw some at you!"

As he followed the rest of the kids into the dingy dark building that served as the Skool Zim's mind went back to the unfinished story the girls had been reading and to the unfamiliar words 'ghosts' and 'haunt'. Obviously they meant something to these Earthlings or they wouldn't cause such a reaction. And from what Dib said it was something all humans knew about, therefore it was something he had to research. If he could find a ghost that could indeed make humans' hearts jump and their spines chill that would be an easy way to render them helpless when the mighty Irken Armada came!

Dib, of course, would be the first one to go.

After the skool let out that afternoon Zim walked slowly back to his house, pondering the meaning of 'ghosts' and 'haunted' and trying to think of ways to bend such things to his will. It shouldn't be too hard; after all it was merely more human stuff.

Inside his home/base he passed Gir sitting on the couch and watching tv as usual. Perhaps his robot had seen something about 'hauntings'. It wouldn't hurt to ask.

"Gir," Zim paused by the couch. Gir stared silently at the tv screen. "Gir, have you seen any programs on 'ghosts' or 'hauntings'?"

The reaction was not exactly what he had expected. Gir suddenly leaped straight up in the air, screeched 'GHOSTIES!" and hid under the couch cushions.

Zim looked at the lumpy cushion, mometarily confused. "Ah…yes, Gir. Ghosts. What are they?"

"Ghosts! Ghosties come out at night and get you! They go through walls! And doors! They sneak up behind you and go 'Ooooooooooooooowwhhhh!' " Gir stood up from under the cushions, held his hands up in a supposedly ghostly manner and moaned. "Ghosties SCARIES! They might get Piggy!"

The robot reached out and grabbed his Piggy to hold it close. "Ghosties no get Piggy nows, I guard!"

Zim wasn't any closer to an answer. From the reactions of the girls at the skool he gathered they were frightful and Gir just confirmed it"So where would one get these…ghosts, Gir?"

"Master don't get ghosties! Ghosties SCARY!" Gir repeated, shaking his head. There was a slight rattling noise.

"But I NEED them, Gir! I could use them against the humans! Where do I get ghosts?"

"Ummmm…." Gir took just a moment of thinking before brightly answering 'Don't know!"

Zim twisted his mouth in frustration. "Ok then, what about 'hauntings' Do you know where …."

He never finished his sentence before Gir pointed to the tv. "The Ghosty Channel!" he declared. "I don't like watching that, it's scary!"

"'Ghosty Channel'?"

Gir picked up the remote and clicked a number. Almost immediately the sight of a partially opened coffin filled the screen. A body slowly came out, a man with cheap makeup and a ripped suit. He still disturbed Gir, as he hid behind his master.

"Good day to you," the man said in a heavy accent. "Since today happens to be 'TombsDay' I have the pleasure of filling your hours with a marathon of the most ghostly, ghastly and hauntingly horrific films I could gather. So get all your snacks, your drinks, and make sure the lights are out before we begin. I hope you enjoy them. Heh heh heh heh heh!"

Zim was nonplussed. 'THAT is haunting?"

Gir shook his head again vigorously. "The movies is scaries!" he said firmly. "Master don't watch! Master have nightmares!"

"Feh, whatever this puny planet can dish up, I, the Mighty Zim! can take!" Gir, I shall watch this 'marathon' of hauntings. Don't bother me."

"B. master!" Gir's voice was almost a wail. "Izza scaries!"

"You think I will be scared of a movie? Gir, go make waffles or wash the ceiling or something. Don't bother me for the next few hours."

"Ok!" Gir's nervous mood instantly vanished. "Wash waffles and make the ceiling!" The robot bounded cheerfully off.

Zim rolled his eyes and sighed as he settled down into a comfortable position on the couch. Why do I even try? he wondered silently. After a moment's thought he turned off the lights as the host had instructed. Now his research into this haunting business can start.


	2. Chapter 2

The Haunted Haunt Chapter Two

The next morning Gir bounded into the living room with the same cheerful carefree abandon he always showed. "Piggy! Where's Piggy!" he called in a singsong voice. Then he spied Zim still on the couch, a test pattern showing on the tv screen. "Oh g'morning, master!"

Zim didn't answer at first, his eyes were wide and frozen in place, his hands clutched the pillow held in front of him. Every now and then he gave a slight shiver.

Gir changed his expression to one of concern. "Master? Master ok?" He reached out to gently tap Zim's arm.

The reaction was explosive. "YEEEOOWW!" Zim shrieked as he stood up on the couch wielding the pillow as if it was a weapon. "Oh. Oh, it's you, Gir. Whew." He breathed a sigh of relief as he relaxed. "Ah…I th-thought it might be a..a ghost…or something…"

"Told ya ghosties scaries!" Gir said sadly. "Master have nightmares now."

"Don't be ridiculous. I am an INVADER! And Invaders don't have nightmares! We GIVE them!...I think," he added softly as an afterthought. In a forced air of nonchalance he picked up the remote and clicked the set off.

"Aww,but that was my favorite show!" Gir pouted.

"Never mind. I now see what ghosts are and where they are to be found." Here Zim paused and rubbed his chin. "They seem to be the astral form of human consciousness, given off when a human dies and harbor ill will towards teenagers when disturbed. They then wreck such vengeance on them it is almost….distasteful." Zim gave a slight shudder as he recollected one particularly gruesome scene. "A bit bloody and wasteful. A human cannot be a very good slave when it is dead or missing some limbs!"

He began to pace the room. "What I need to do now is find some way to communicate with these haunts, turn them into allies. Yesssss. Gir!"

"Hm?" Gir looked up from where he was trying to balance a bowl of cereal on a stack of teacups and a roll of paper towels.

"When I am at skool, I want you to look up the local haunted houses in this area. And have a list of them ready for me to check tonight. Got it?"

Gir's blue eyes went so wide they almost filled his entire head. "Gh..ghosties? Master wants me to look up GHOSTIES?" The cereal tower toppled.

"Just where I can find some, Gir. " Zim sighed. "You don't have to come with me."

"But Master cannot go alooonneee!" Gir moaned. "Ghosties nasties! Ghosties push people down stairs! Scare people! Throw sharp things and laundry baskets of squeaky dog toys! Then they laugh and knock on walls!" The robot shook his head. "They are not nice!"

"If they think they can frighten me, the Mighty Zim! they are mistaken." The Irken sniffed. "By this afternoon, Gir. Remember!"

As he went out Gir picked up the roll of paper towels and miserably hugged it to himself.

All that day in the classroom Zim pondered on exactly how to get ghosts to agree to aid him in Earth conquest. Since they were already dead simple joys wouldn't be important to them. A slight disadvantage but then he wouldn't have to worry about them demanding their share of this planet to rule. Perhaps if he offered them a large number of teenagers to torment? Or guarantee their haunts would never be disturbed again? He tapped his pencil on his desk, deep in thought.

"Is there something else that's more important than today's lesson on modern traffic disasters, Zim?" came the dry raspy disagreeable voice of Ms. Bitters right besides him.

Zim gave a violent start, one that caused all his papers and book to slip off his desk. "Ah! Ah yes! I mean No! I mean…ah….sorry." Flustered, he bent to retrieve the fallen items only to drop his pencil. He grabbed that only to lose his grasp on his papers. As they fell once more to the floor the rest of the classroom gave suppressed giggles.

Ms. Bitters, as usual, did not change expression. "So…you WERE paying attention?" From her voice it was clear she wasn't going to believe whatever Zim said.

Zim swallowed. Here was one of those situations where he knew he wasn't going to be able to win no matter which option he chose. "I…I –was! My mind just…wandered for a moment. Just a moment. There. But it's…back again!"

"So if I were to ask you what was the cause of the Great Garbage Truck Backup you would be able to tell me?"

"It was a….it was…..a…..puppy?" Zim said weakly.

Ms. Bitters stared at him silently for a few moments, so quietly he was about to think he had actually uttered the correct answer, but then she lifted and slammed down a wooden yardstick down on his desk swiftly with a loud CRACK! Zim snatched his hands away just in time with a small squeak.

"WRONG!" It was amazing how the frail-looking teacher managed to bellow so loudly. "It was a WAD of GUM! Just like what you children seem to be using for brains these days! There is a small difference between gum and a puppy, Zim. See that you learn it!"

"Yes sir." Zim studied his desk, rather surprised not to see a long dent in it.

During the lunch break Zim wandered over to the fence line near the benches, hoping the girls with the book would return and read a bit more of the tale he heard yesterday. Unfortunately the girl named Gail was absent that day and she was the one who owned the book. He leaned against the fence, back in the usual bored frame of mind.

It was Dib who broke the monotony. "Waiting to hear more ghost stories, Zim? " the boy asked mockingly. "I bet there are a lot of things that go bump in the night on your planet!"

"We do have lights, Dib-dirt monkey. There is never any bumping in the night!" Zim retorted crossly.

"No, -we- don't go bump in the night, -things- do!" the boy explained. "Things that you can't see, can't touch, can't explain."

"Like Dib's intelligence?" Zim was rather proud of that comeback. Dib made a face but decided to wave the insult aside and continue on with his lecture. He could see that the alien was interested in spite of himself.

"Anomalies, strange shadows and mists, apparitions, ectoplasms, ghouls, demons, floating orbs, mysterious lights!" Dib was really getting warmed up. It wasn't very often he found any audience who didn't quickly make excuses to walk away from his paranormal interests and he was relishing this, even if it –was- to an enemy! He started to add arm waving and gestures to his recital. "Poltergeists! Portals to other worlds, residual energies, psychokinesis, anomalous phenomena, apparitions, specters and zombies!"

Zim's head was beginning to whirl. There seemed to be just so much more to this haunting thing than he had imagined! It was a whole other dimension! He shook his head to clear it and held up his hands in a stopping motion. "All these things go around bumping in the night?" he asked, rather nervously.

Dib had to hide a chuckle. "Well, some bump, others just like to make things move. Y'know, like a rocking chair suddenly rocking when there's nobody around, lights go on or off, something flies off a shelf, pictures fall off walls. That sort of thing."

"They bump and move things." Zim said carefully.

"And make noises, like 'ooooooooooooooooooo'!" Dib made the moan as low and creepy as he could manage. He was given the satisfaction of seeing Zim's eyes grow just a bit wider. "But in the case of banshees, they SCREAM!"

"Uh…they...scream."

Umm hmm, just when you don't expect them to. You'll be relaxing in your chair, just watching tv, or getting to sleep in your bed and then they come out! You can't see them or touch them but they're there just the same. Then they just let you have it!" Dib was laying it on thick; it was fun to see the Irken get so disquieted. "Oh, and you think your base defenses can detect them? No way! They just glide on through." Here Dib waved a hand across in front of him, imitating the smooth path of an uninterrupted ghostly figure. Zim followed it with wide eyes. "And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. At. All."

That snapped Zim out of his deer-in-headlights look, his pride having been pricked. "You forget, Dib-worm-meat-baby, I am ZIM! And Zim will NEVER allow things to just bump around without ZIM'S LEAVE!"

"Uh huh, yeah. Sure." Dib crossed his arms and leaned against the fence. "Like you can stop a ghost. Right."

"Zim is not only going to stop ghosts from infiltrating Zim's home but will turn them against you! You will see! And then you should be AWARE of your LEAPING HEART in your THROAT and CHILLING SPINE! Zim will be VICTORIOUS in his fight against and with GHOSTS!"

The bell then rang, signaling the kids to once more abandon the playground and filter into the dark dreary skool building. Dib couldn't help but notice how Zim was starting to avoid any place that seemed to have more shadows than usual. 'Oh this is great!' he thought to himself. 'There's just GOT to be a way to use this! Mankind will be saved by Dib's 'ghosts'!' He uttered a pleased chuckle to himself, causing a passing girl to whisper to another 'I don't know what's weirder, Zim and his crazy shoutings or Dib with his 'secret' laughter!"

Her companion nodded. "My mom's thinking of a transfer."


	3. Chapter 3

The Haunted Haunt! Chapter Three

When the skool let out for the day Dib could hardly wait to get into his room. He needed almost all of his equipment if he was going to convince Zim that ghosts existed. And he was going to enjoy every minute of scaring the Irken into the bargain.

However his speed was greatly hampered by Gaz. She walked her usual pace, staring down at her game and nothing he said was going to alter her speed.

"C'mon Gaz! Just a little faster! I need to get started!"

"On what." Gaz said flatly, as if she was really interested. "I'm not going to risk this level just because you want to start running around like an idiot tearing things up again. And no I don't want to know what it is you're planning to do. You still didn't replace the lamp in the living room."

"I will I will. I just haven't gotten to that just yet. No, I just want to get a few simple things together to make a house seem like it was haunted or something."

"Haunted!" Gaz did something that amazed her brother; she stopped playing and looked at him. "Why do you want to make a haunted house? It's not Halloween for two months yet!"

"It's for Zim. He thinks there's ghosts and I want to..well..show him some!"

"You want to scare him."

"Well….yeah. That too."

For a moment Gaz's lips twitched as if a smile was trying to work its way across. It died a quick death and she once more turned her attention to her game. "Well, in that case, how are you going to do it?"

"Well," Dib looked at his notebook. "I figured with some electro magnets placed on the walls can make pictures move or fall, lights can easily be wired to flicker, and I can get a mist tub set up below some steps. Then I'll take some wires on a track to have ghost shapes move about."

"Skulls? Bones?"

"I don't know about that. He might not even recognize a human skeleton so I don't think he'd be scared by one. I wish I knew what an alien's skeleton would look like."

"Then just have some knives and blood scattered about."

"Hey! That's a great idea, Gaz! Thanks!"

"Mmph."

"Now I just need the right house to use. Hmmm, that old house on Seventh Street is pretty run down. Might be hard to get into it though. And there's the one on Market Street, that looks creepy enough."

"I'd use the one on the hill at Acorn Drive," Gaz muttered. "It used to be an old hotel."

"I thought they were going to tear that down? You mean they haven't yet?"

"Nah, something about a historical restoration. They hadn't really been able to do anything with it, however. It's just been sitting there, rotting. Now let me play my game before I have to dismember you!"

"That's just what I need! Gaz, sometimes you're the best! When you're not trying to kill me, of course."

Gaz just grunted and continued to push the buttons and keys on her game.

Once in his room Dib set about gathering and packing up whatever he thought would fulfill his opinion of a 'ghostly encounter'. "Too bad I can't have one room to look like an alien autopsy room, that would make the green drain from his face!" he chuckled. "But that would give the game away. Darn." He had one box filled when his eyes fell on his recording machine. "Ahh! Sound effects! Yeah, I gotta have those too!"

He sat down and uttered a few moans and groans into the microphone, altering his voice with jars, tubes and amplifiers. He added some crashing sounds by upending the filled box and allowing all the stuff within to tumble out and hit the floor. He would have repeated this but his dad, Professor Membrane, called up the stairs, demanding that whatever he had broken was to be cleaned up immediately! Footsteps were easy; he stomped up and down his room until he felt the recording was long enough for his use. That had resulted in Gaz pounding on the wall.

"If you're trying to dance, stop it! I don't want that mental picture in my brain!" she complained.

Her yelling brought another idea to Dib. "Ah, my banshee!" he whispered. He picked up the recorder and quietly walked to his sister's room. "Um…Gaz?"

"Go 'way."

"No Gaz, I really need to come in and see you, just for a moment."

"I said go 'way."

"It won't take long. I promise."

"Then you'll leave me alone?"

"For the rest of the night"

"Errrrgh." He heard the door unlocked and pushed it open. His sister was sitting back on her bed, still with her game. "Ok, what d'you want? Make it quick, I'm almost at the next level!"

"Just this!" Dib quickly switched on the recorder, then gave Gaz's elbow a sharp tap, making her miss a move and therefore the level. She stared in shock at him for a moment, then threw herself at him with the predicted loud, long, angry, anguished screech!

A couple of minutes later had Dib in his bathroom, gingerly dabbing at his bloodied nose. He squinted through his left eye, already beginning to swell, and felt about for a new pair of glasses to replace his cracked ones. "It was worth it!" he grinned. "Ow! I bet I couldn't get a real banshee to yell like that! Ouch!"

After dinner he carried almost three boxes of various materials to a large wagon and proceeded to haul it all up to the old hotel on the hill. The sun was setting and he knew it was going to get dark very soon. "Just the correct atmosphere," he said to himself as he switched on his helmet light. "Thus shall begin…'The Haunting!'"

Zim had also walked back to his house/base deep in thought but he had nobody to bounce ideas off until he was inside. Even then he wasn't sure of the result. "Gir!"

No answer.

"Gir! GIR! ANSWER ME!"

"Hey master!" the voice came from above him. He looked up and saw Gir standing on the ceiling. The little robot waved. "You look funny upside down!"

"Gir, why are you on the ceiling?" the Irken reasonably asked.

"I wanted to do like the flies do!"

"Gir, you are not a disgusting Earth fly, you are an Irken invader robot and you should conduct yourself accordingly!"

"But…but I don't know how to play the accordion!" Gir began to weep at this supposedly shortcoming, sending tears raining down on Zim's head.

"Get. Down. Here. Gir. Now!"

"OK!" Zim should have known what was coming but he didn't move when he had the chance. Gir simply released his feet from the ceiling surface and fell straight down on top of him. "Ooh nice landing!"

"OW! GIR! GET OFF ME!"

When both of them were once more standing upright Zim fixed his robot with a stern look as he removed his human disguise. "Now then, did you make that list I ordered you to this morning?" He scratched around his antennae when he removed the irritating wig. Ah but it felt good not to have them mashed down!

"Hm?" Gir just stood there looking up.

"The list, Gir. I told you this morning to make me a list of haunted places so I can try to look for ghosts tonight! And don't get scared again!" he quickly added when Gir seemed like he was going to do that very thing.

"But…but Master…." Gir twisted his hands anxiously. "You don't want ghosties!"

"Yes I do, Gir. Otherwise why would I have asked you to make that list?"

"So you know where not to go?"

Zim took a breath and was about to start yelling about Gir's inability to obey simple orders when the last sentence hit him.

"Yes Gir, that's right. I need a list of haunted places nearby so I –don't- go to them! Can you understand that?"

"I can!" Gir screamed happily, producing a piece of paper. Zim snatched it, studying the addresses.

"So these places are supposed to be haunted? Have ghosts?"

"I think so."

"Wait, isn't this...the dog pound? There's a ghost at the pound?"

"Puppies and kitties go there, then they disappear. It must be ghosties taking them!" Gir's lip quivered in sympathy.

"They disappear because humans come and make pets of them, Gir."

"They take them home? Hurray!" Gir squealed happily. "No ghosties!"

Zim sighed. If that was a sample of Gir's 'ghost list' perhaps he should try another information source. "Computor!"

"Yes?"

"Get me a list of the surrounding area that has any sort of connection with ghosts, hauntings, apparitions, ghouls…ah….." He tried to remember the list of supposedly paranormal Dib had recited in the playground. "Um…mysterious lights…orbs…..and..stuff."

A moment later the result came. "There's not much around here in that catagory. Ghostly Diner, Ghost Funeral Home, Orbs Lamp Company, Mysterious Chinese Foods.."

"Hauntings, computer. I need a place that is haunted!"

"There are plenty of abandoned buildings, but there is no way I can tell if they have hauntings or not."

Zim growled in frustration. "It looks like I'll just have to go find one myself. Do you have any picture of a haunted house to show me?"

"I have one in my memory banks."

"Well? Then show me!"

The computer complied, projecting a picture of a 'haunted house' on the wall. Unfortunately it was that of a cookie jar shaped like an old house, with smiling friendly ghosts wafting out of the windows and big-eyed bats making up the top. A few cookies stacked along its base showed the purpose of the ceramic piece.

"THAT…is a haunted house?" Zim scoffed. Gir suddenly noticed the cookies.

"I wan' cookies!" he shrieked, lunging at the wall and crashing into it. He slowly slid down to rest on the floor. "Coookies." He mumbled.

"Well, I guess I'll just wander about some old empty houses. Surely one of them will have some ghosts. Gir! Stand guard while I'm gone!"

"Master bring cookies back?"

"Yes Gir. *sigh* I'll bring cookies."

Dib was just about finished with wiring up the amplifiers and speakers he had placed in strategic areas of the old building. It was rather risky, as it was, as Gaz had put it, simply rotting away. Twice his foot had gone through some old boards and once he had gone through a wall by simply leaning against it. Still he kept at it until he was satisfied all of it worked. He chose the room that used to be the lounge as the main operations room to tuck all the controls in as it was a large room and the storage areas were in reasonable good shape. He didn't want to fall out and be exposed when he was scaring the pants off Zim!

He yawned and checked his watch when he screwed down the last wire. "Hmm, I can still get around 4 hours sleep tonight. And then tomorrow, heh! Zim will soon learn what a 'ghost' is!"

Zim was having quite a bit of trouble learning what a ghost was. He had explored three old abandoned buildings so far and had seen nothing but rats, roaches and a few owls. He was getting covered with dust and mold and twice had fallen down old stair cases, resulting in bruises and a lot of Irken swear words.

In the latest tumble he sat up and began to wipe off the cobwebs clinging to him. "Stupid human ghosts are just as stupid as live humans," he muttered. "Why not haunt some decent places that aren't filthy and about to crumble? Why hang around old buildings with spiders and bats? Stupid ghosts."

He straightened up and shone his palm light about. The room wasn't much different than the other rooms he had seen, ceiling panels hanging by shards, broken windows, dirt covering the floor, torn wallpaper. "Are there any ghosts here?" he shouted. His question echoed back to him from other rooms. "Hellooo? Any ghosts want to try to frighten the Mighty Zim? Hm? Come on! Zim CHALLENGES you!"

No answer. Zim sniffed and shone his light about as he carefully made his way forward. "Stupid ghosts are frightened by Zim, eh? Is that it? Only stupid brainless humans are afraid of stupid ghosts."

A shape soon took shape in front of him, a large blobby body with spindly legs. It was huge and hovered just in front of him on the wall. For a moment Zim was taken aback but he soon regained his composure. "So! You're a ghost, eh? Try to frighten Zim! Go ahead!"

The shape didn't moan, or scream or even move. It just hung there, in a rather familiar shape. Zim studied it for a moment, then he narrowed his eyes and looked at his palm light. A fat spider was crouched in the middle of it. Irritated, the invader shook it off, thereby ridding himself of the 'ghost' on the wall. "Huh, if that is what humans are afraid of, then there's nothing to this 'haunting' business."

He clambered back up the broken steps as best he could and made his way home. Gir anxiously greeted him.

"Master saw ghosties?" the robot quavered.

"Zim saw nothing that even looked like a ghost! Just dirt, dust and cobwebs. Oh, and a big spider." Zim took the cleansing chalk and worked at removing the dirt that still clung to him. "Humans are silly things, to be scared of old houses filled with nothings!"

"Ghosties aren't nothings," Gir insisted. "Ghosties are scary! And not very dirty." He added, looking at the pile of dust and cobwebs scattered on the floor encircling his master.

"Well, clean this up then. I've got to get to skool now. Perhaps I can find some more information about these ghosts from the female human dirt monkeys if they bring that book again. I need more INFORMATION!"

"Master forgot cookies!" Gir wailed.

At the lunch playground break Zim didn't get a chance to listen in to the reading, as Dib was waiting there in his customary spot.

"Hey Zim! Find any ghosts yet?"

"It seems that your silly human ghosts fear ZIM! There were none to be found." Zim leaned against the fence and crossed his arms, looking bored.

"Perhaps you haven't been looking in the right places. Ghosts aren't found everywhere, y'know." Dib said airily. "You have to have a place where someone has been killed at, to have a ghost."

"Hmm," That was something Zim hadn't heard. "So does Dib-stink know any place that humans have been killed in and have ghosts?"

"Sure do! But I don't think it's a good idea to go roaming around in that place. It's rather dangerous. I think maybe…" Dib squinted his eyes, pretending to ponder. "About eight people have been killed there, looking for haunts. Then they too, become ghosts, of course."

"Dib-monkey will tell Zim of this place!"

'Heh, he's swallowing the bait! But mustn't act too eager. Play him like a fish! A big fat alien fish to pull in and mount on my wall! Ugh, not really, of course.' The thought of Zim stuffed and hanging from a board on a wall didn't have much appeal. Aloud Dib said as casually as he could. "I don't know, Zim. Like I said, it's kind of a dangerous place, falling apart, hidden passageways and who knows, perhaps the ghosts were the ones who killed those people who trespassed?"

For a moment flashes from the ghost movies Zim had seen went through his mind and the fates of the teenaged actors made him falter just a bit. But then, was he an Invader or not? "Don't try to scare ZIM with your silly tales of tragedy! Tell Zim of this place! TELL ME!"

Dib winced. "Ok ok ok! Geez, do you have to yell in my ear all the time like that? Tell you what, I'll meet you on Main Street tonight at around 9. I'll take you up there but then you're on your own! I'M not going to risk my neck in that place!"

"Dib worm is afraid of ghosts! Well, Zim is NOT!"

"Well, we'll see. Remember, 9 o'clock on Main Street!"

As Dib walked away he couldn't help chuckling once again. "Oh we'll see if Zim is afraid of ghosts or not. We'll see! Heh heh heh."


	4. Chapter 4

The Haunted Haunt Chapter Four

As he had agreed, Dib met Zim on Main Street and so they started out for the supposedly haunted house. Dib recited the people 'killed' on the site that he told Zim he had researched for.

"It all started with the building. It was on an old Indian burial ground, y'see. People used to hear drums and war whoops in the night. One guest was even found scalped in his room!"

"Scalped?" Zim frowned at the unfamiliar term.

"Yeah, that means somebody, or something cut his hair and skin away for a trophy. It's just something the Indians did to their enemies."

"Wasteful," Zim sniffed. "A limb would make a better trophy!"

"Ah…yeah. Then there's a report of the hotel being burned down with everybody in it. They couldn't get the doors open. They say after they rebuilt it you could still smell smoke and hear flames crackling."

"Heh, that's how we dealt with the Tengals on the planet Meagle. Invader Foom convinced the entire population to build this HUGE amusement park! After they did and everyone was invited with free admission, Foom closed the gates and fired missiles on it! Neatly done! Of course he had the remaining Tengals rebuild the park and now it's one of Irk's favorite vacation resorts!"

Dib gave an inward shudder; he had to remember who and what he was dealing with. Certainly ordinary deaths wouldn't faze Zim.

"There's also a story of a whole party being shut up in the ballroom and shot because the mob boss didn't like the guy his sister was marrying. You're supposed to still hear the gunshots and screams from that, plus blood stain appear on the floor from nowhere."

Zim grunted, still not impressed. 'I'm going to have to try harder,' Dib thought.

"Oh, and then there's the Haunted Suitcase!"

"What?" Zim stopped to stare at Dib. "How can a suitcase be haunted? I thought ghosts were left over dead humans?"

"Spirits, Zim. Sometimes ghosts aren't from humans but evil spirits. They can latch onto anything." Dib gave the alien a thoughtful look. "Don't you have any stories like that on your planet?"

"The stories we tell are of CONQUEST!" Dib winced at the sudden yell. "What use are stories that aren't?"

"Well, don't you think that the same kind of stories get a little boring after a while?"

"How can conquest be boring? Dib-monkey can't understand this?"

"Never mind. Sorry I asked. Anyway, the haunted suitcase is supposed to go thumping about and when it reaches someone, it jumps forward, snaps them inside and they're never seen again!"

"Zim fears no haunted luggage!"

"Well, you can tell when it comes for you. First you'll hear the thump! Thump! Thump! Drawing ever closer. Then it stops. Dead quiet. You look but don't see anything. You turn around and THERE IT IS! It LEAPS toward you and SNAPS you up inside!" Dib set his own hands into claws and made a slight hop towards Zim. He had the satisfaction of seeing the alien immediately jump back himself. " You are doomed! Nobody knows what happens to those trapped inside! They're never seen again!"

Zim couldn't think of anything to say at this point but he did swallow. 'So, that was his own fear', Dib though. 'The Unknown!' The boy grinned to himself and slunk his voice lower.

"So beware the thumps, Zim! If you hear them, you're a goner!" Dib stopped at the end of the lane and pointed up the hill. "Well, there it is! Have fun, Zim. See you later! Maybe."

"Um..wait. You're not..coming?"

"Me? Ha! I told you, I'm not setting foot in that place! –You're- the one who wanted to see ghosts, Zim, not me! Good luck!"

Zim straightened up to his full height (which wasn't much). "Yes! Of course! I shall see theses –ghosts- and they shall OBEY MEEE! –I- am not scared to go among them!"

"If you say so. S'long, Zim!" Dib started walking past the hill as if he hadn't a care in the world but he was keeping an eye on the alien with a small mirror held in his hand. He noticed how Zim simply stood at the bottom of the hill looking up and snickered. "Go on, go on!" he muttered to himself. "Go on up to my little…'funhouse'! Then we'll see who's scared of ghosts!"

It took the Irken a few moments to collect himself before he started up the hill towards the large and rather imposing building. As Gaz had said, it was an old hotel but in such bad condition no-one really knew how to even start on restorations. The wood was all gray, what paint it had was all worn away long ago. Every glass pane in every window was broken; the porch steps were uneven, the foundation crumbling. Even the trees around it had died and the branches twisted like evil grasping hands. Grass and weeds grew long around it and between the stones of the pathway leading up to the front door. A light wind made everything move with a life of its own. It blew across the loose fence boards which produced a dry rattling sound. The branches slowly waved and seemed to be reaching out to snatch anyone near enough. Zim made a wide detour to avoid the limbs and almost tripped on the broken pavement. The whisper of the breeze changed into a low moan when it blew across some discarded jars hidden in the long grass. For a moment the alien paused, wondering if this really was the smart thing to do, go rummaging around in some old abandoned building, but then he took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was an Invader! And invaders did not fear anything!

Zim carefully made his way up and was reaching out to grasp the handle when it turned on its own and the door slowly creaked open. All by itself.

Zim stood frozen in place, his hand ready to grasp at …nothing. His eyes darted from side to side as he tried to locate a logical cause for the unexpected movement. Then he set his jaw and stood upright stubbornly.

"I am ZIM!" he yelled into the darkness. "I fear NOTHING!"

The statement was more for his own reassurance than anything else. His voice disappeared into the gloom of the room.

"Hmph," the invader sniffed, and stalked inside. He stood there in a defiant stand in front of the old dilapidated desk and again shouted into the dark. "I am ZIM! I have come for you GHOSTS! Are you there? ANSWER ZIM!"

For a moment nothing stirred, then with a loud long creak the door behind him slowly and firmly slammed shut, once more with unseen hands. Zim jumped back against the desk and gulped.

"All…all right. S-so you…ARE…here. Fine. Good. Yes. That is…what I wanted. Yes."

From inside the large coat closet Dib had to fight hard not to laugh out loud. He had snuck around and hurriedly entered the building from the back way as Zim was coming up in front. Simple controls to operate the door had set the mood perfectly. 'This is going to be more fun than any theme park!' he said to himself.

Zim had turned on his palm light and was carefully examining the main lobby. It was filed with old furniture covered with what used to be white cloths and the dust was thick. Heavy cobwebs hung from every corner. "So? Show yourselves! Where are you?"

'Hmm, perhaps I'll start with the footsteps," Dib thought as he activated the recorder and speakers.

Zim turned when he heard the heavy footsteps coming towards him, and steeled himself. "Aha! It's about time! Come and show yourself!" He listened as the sounds drew nearer, they had almost reached the room. In just a few more seconds Zim would get to see his first ghost. The sounds reached the room and continued into it but he saw…nothing!

The Irken stood frozen in place as he heard the footsteps come straight towards him and then…stop! He swallowed hard, and then looked up to where there –should- have been somebody…anybody! Standing in front of him looking back. But there was no-one there at all.

"Ah…." He quavered. "Y-yes. G-good cloaking d-device you have th-there." He didn't think humans had such equipment. No, they didn't, he was certain, so the only thing that had made those noises would have to be..a ghost!

Dib moved the dial and the footsteps sounded again, this time leading away.

"Waiit! Where are you going? Get back here! I am ZIM! I offer you an alliance against…..the…" Zim realized there was nobody around to yell at as the steps faded away. "Hmph. Stupid ghosts. Very well, if you think you can escape from ZIM then you have to think again! And once more! And yes, think yet again!"

Dib moved a slight switch which activated the speaker in the next room. It once was a large dining area in its day but was now more of a place to stack crates and boxes. The loud crash he had recorded in his room was repeated at nearly three times the usual sound level.

Zim almost jumped out of his boots at the din. He whirled about and quickly made his way to the source, expecting a troop of ghosts knocking everything about. ""AHA! Think you can hide from Zim! Not with all that noise you…don't….."

He stood in the doorway, confused. He had heard the racket but nothing in the room had been touched for decades. It was all still, even the spiders in the cobwebs weren't moving. He scratched his head, trying to come up with a reason for the noise and failing.

Dib reached out and flicked another switch. Immediately ghostly moans and groans seem to surround Zim, rising and falling in pitch. Zim's eyes got wide and he stiffened in place, his pupils flickering here and there as he tried to see what was creating the sounds. Beads of sweat were beginning to form on his forehead. The boy flipped another switch, which caused the fogger machine to begin working. Slowly faint whitish whisps begin threading their way up through the cracks in the walls and floors.

Dib admired the effect. 'That is just sooo cool!' he thought.

"You cannot frighten ZIM!" the alien's voice was loud but it still quavered at the end. The fact that he was now backing out of the room did nothing to help his show of courage. "And I am NOT RETREATING! I am….I am going to look for more of you ghosts….over there."

Dib clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. With the other hand he toggled another connection.

Zim found that he couldn't make his way through the rooms in his usual marching-like manner, the floors were in too poor a condition. This rendered him into a more light stepping, hopping in some places gait. The alien growled, not liking to be reduced to a rabbit-like state. An Invader needed to show he was forceful at every turn!

A slight movement caught his attention and he whipped his head about. He saw nothing but he still stared, knowing that he had seen SOMETHING! But what?

Another movement, but from the other side. Again Zim turned his head and caught a glimpse of something pale silently floating past. Dib's words about ghosts came back just then.

'They just glide on through. And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. At. All.'

Zim growled again and ground his teeth. If these ghosts think they can avoid Zim they were in for a rude surprise. He activated a weapon from his Pak, then stood there and waited for the next passing whisp.

Dib pursed his lips as he saw what Zim was planning. (By the way, Dib also installed remote cameras here and there. I didn't think I needed to point that out but hey, wouldn't you?) "So you're going to blast a ghost, Zim? Not too smart." He twisted a small dial.

Zim looked back and forth, waiting for the opportunity to use his blaster on the next passing phantom. He didn't have to wait long but instead of being in front of him it appeared directly above him. "HEY!" he shouted just as he pulled the trigger.

As Dib thought, it was a not a good idea. The shot went right through the projection and hit the rotten ceiling above him. Chunks of plaster and wood rained down upon the alien and several smacked him before he got out of the way. Dib had to bite his lip in an effort to keep silent.

"Eaauugghh," Zim moaned as he shook the remnants off his head and body. "Stupid empty ghosts don't even stay and fight! Hmph!"

Dib watched as the Irken made his way down the long hallway to the old kitchen. The boy had hung up a series of old pictures the length of the corridor earlier, just waiting for the release button. As soon as Zim past the first picture he hit the first control.

Bam! The picture falling and hitting the floor startled Zim and he whipped about, blaster at the ready. When he saw it was nothing more than a fallen painting he sniffed and turned away.

He passed the second picture, and BAM! It too fell to the floor. Zim stopped and studied it for a moment. His eyes shifted right to left.

"And what is the purpose of this, making these things fall?" he demanded loudly. "Improperly hung human pictures do not scare the Mighty Zim!"

He turned away and continued but as he passed each frame it sprang from the wall, one after another.

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

Zim's pace quickened until he was almost running, all the frames crashing behind him. At the end of the hallway he whirled about to see the last one fall. Leaning against the bulkhead he panted 'You..don't..scare…ZIM!...Stupid..ghosts."

The alien slowly made his way into the kitchen, trying to look in every direction at once, in case a ghost attempted to sneak up on him. Dib set off yet another device.

The water had long been shut off from the hotel but a small microphone stuck in the large empty faucet was just as good. Zim whipped about when he heard the sound of a squeaky faucet turn and water gush out. "Water!" he muttered. "N-no!" He stared at the sink as he listened to the liquid filling the sink, but no water fell, and the sink was as dry as a bone. A lone spider merrily danced across the huge web over it. The water continued until the sound of a sink overrunning came. It was if the entire room was being flooded. Zim did a short dance to get out of the way but not a drop was to be seen.

Zim nervously licked his lips. Nothing at the Irken Acadamy had ever prepared him for anything like this and he was at a total loss of what to do. An enemy that one could see, could fire at, could touch and intimidate, that he was used to and could deal with. But this?

A sharp crackling came to his hearing, making his antennae twitch and the faint smell of smoke was wafting through. He frowned. Didn't the Dib-meat puppet say something about a fire? As soon as that thought hit him he began to hear faint screams of horror and anguish. He backed away then realized he would end up in that hallway again. He skirted around the room by its walls and found himself heading back to the lobby in another corridor.

Was that how it was on the planets his people had already conquered? Did the screams of the dying come back to be replayed over and over again? He frowned and shook his head to rid himself of the mental questions. That was a matter for the Tallest to deal with, he was just an Invader, nothing more. He had orders and he followed them, simple as that.

But still….those screams..

No! He must keep focused on the task at hand!

He found himself at the foot of a grand staircase. It was impressive in its heydays, carved posts and rails with wide steps, but now those steps were broken and the rails wobbly. Zim stood there and stared up, trying to think if the risk was worth the climb.

'Go on, Zim! Go on up!' Dib thought. 'Ok, here's the bait!'

A button pushed, a magnet retracted and a large old rusty cleaver came tumbling down the steps. It came to rest near Zim's feet and as he stared down at it he noted the thick red liquid still fresh on the cutting edge. One large drop ran down to drip on the floor and he heard an evil deep chuckling echoing through the rooms upstairs.

Irkens don't have hearts to leap into their throats as humans do but Zim's insides were beginning to feel very tense and uncomfortable indeed. If there were a ghost up there that could chop up humans for entertainment, would they be likely to stop just because he was an alien? He rather doubted it.

It almost made the military autopsy table seem like a mere massage!

He swallowed hard, not sure how to proceed at this point. Dib studied the monitor, pondering on what bait to use to get the Irken up there. 'I may have scared him –too- much now. Darn, I don't want him to leave just yet! I still have toys to play with! Hmmm, perhaps just a plain ghost here.'

As Zim stood looking up to the head of the stairs he saw a small white whisp go from one side to another. His eyes narrowed and he set his jaw in a determined manner.

"So, you think you can escape me? The Mighty ZIM! I'll show you!"

He made a lunge on the steps but his foot went right through the first board. As he struggled to free himself his short temper was on the rise. "Just wait till I get up there! You will BEG for MERCY from ZIM and you will NOT GET IT!"

He pulled his foot free and then quickly activated his robot spider legs from his pack. They were more stable than his own two feet and it wasn't long before he set down at the top. He stood there in triumph, feet apart and hands on hips. He raised his chin and shouted down the hallway of rooms. "I AM ZIM! COME OUT AND FACE ME!"

He heard a small noise to his left and spun about, expecting to find just about anything there. Well, almost anything.

What –was- standing there was …a doll. A human doll about 3 feet high, with dark curly hair, pink bow and neat dress.

Zim stared at it with quizzical eyes, not sure what to make of it. It was just a doll, a toy the human worm children liked to play with in their disgusting domestic human games. How did this fit in with ghosts?

Suddenly the doll raised its hand. Zim could see it held a large hunting knife, caked with old blood. At the same time its eyes lit up with a hellish green glow and a small child's voice, high and sweet, came from its mouth.

"Mommy? Mommy? Where are you, Mommy? Why are you hiding? I want to play! Please play with me again, Mommy! Please play! Mommy?"

"YAAAAHHH!" That was enough for Zim! He fired a wild shot at it before haring it down the hallway. That was creepier than that scary monkey Gir liked to watch!


	5. Chapter 5

The Haunted Haunt Chapter Five

_(By the way, the doll thing was an idea I had for Halloween. Unfortunately we had moved to an area with little to no trick-or-treat traffic so I missed my chance to scare the peewaddlins out of the lil crumbsnatchers. Rats.)_

After leaving the doll behind Zim carefully made his way down the hallway. His nervous gait was part tip-toe and part swinging around to make sure nothing was sneaking up behind him, which made the beam from his palm light resemble a search lamp. Who knew which door would suddenly swing open and whatever ghoul inside would snatch him to drag him back in to whatever fate it had in store? For a moment various movie scenes from the ghost marathon he had seen recently played through the Irken's mind and he gulped. He wasn't a human teen but he wasn't sure how picky ghosts were. Could be any living thing would suit their purpose.

Below Dib watched his progress gleefully. 'Getting nervous, aren't you, Zim? Ok, I'll go easy on you for a bit. On second thought; nah!"

As Zim passed one room a slight tapping sounded. He paused, looked at the wall warily, then heard it again. Tap. Tap. Tap.

Could something be trying to communicate? The invader cautiously reached out and tapped on the wall himself. He was immediately answered.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Zim repeated his tapping and again got an answer, this time slightly further up the hallway. He followed, and tapped.

Again he was answered and again further up. He obediently continued walking. Dib snickered. 'That's right, Zim. Follow the bouncing ball!' His fingers were poised over a small switch.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Zim slowly walked along up to the large wooden door. Faint traces of red paint still clung to it with the metal numbers '12' barely hanging on.

Tap. Tap. Then silence. Zim narrowed one of his eyes in puzzlement. Only two taps this time? What did it mea….

FOOMP!

The wooden door suddenly flew open in front of him. Zim reacted quickly by uttering a cry and swinging his blaster up. "GAH!"

He staggered back then looked up at his supposed foe, panting heavily. All he saw was….a door with a large splintered hole in the middle.

He stood there in the middle of the hallway until his breathing returned to normal. "Stu-stupid human gh-ghosts! D'you think…a simple d-door would scare me? Zim? Ha!"

But the 'ha!' retort was rather weak. Perhaps this whole ghost thing was a waste of time? But no. Zim shook his head to get rid of such thoughts. He would see this through! He was, after all, ZIM! He pulled himself up as tall as he could manage, then approached the door to peer inside the room and shine the light about.

It was a very large room, with large windows, two corroded metal lamps hanging from either end that had once held sparkling bits of crystal and the wooden floor still had highly polished spots in places.

"This must be the ball room the Dib-worm was talking about." Zim muttered to himself. "But I see no basketballs, or hoops." (The only 'ballroom' Zim had seen was the gym in skool.)

He edged forward inside, blaster at the ready. "Hello..? Ghosts? Any ghosts in here? I, Zim, would like to talk to you! I have…a…proposition…to offer."

No answer. Dib, shaking with suppressed giggles, simply held his hand above the controls. Timing was everything, he told himself.

Zim was now standing in the middle of the large room. His eyes darted this way and that and he kept turning about, trying to prevent anyone coming up behind him. "Hello? Appear to me! I, Zim, demand you!"

Well, maybe 'demand' was a bit strong. "Um..I mean….I request you appear! I have a business proposition! It could benefit you!"

Dib still held his hand back but only for a moment.

"This could gain you a lot more human captives to..uh…torture! We could both benefit! Let us combine our forces! Join with me and….and…." Zim's voice faded away as he began to hear faint sounds of gunshots. It became louder, with screams added to it. Soon it seemed it had filled the entire room with him in the thick of it! Gunshot blasts, yelling, shouting and the screams! But nothing to be seen!

Zim ducked the supposed gunfight and ran out of the room as fast as he could manage, almost bouncing off the far wall in the hallway. He then flattened himself on the wall besides the ballroom door and stood there panting as he listened to the din die down and finally fade away.

After a moment, when all was still once more, he slowly peered inside.

Nothing. It was the same empty room he had entered before. No, wait, there was something. Large red puddles were beginning to form in several places on the floor, then red liquid started to ooze slowly down the walls.

Even though Zim was an Invader and had done quite a bit of destroying (albeit his own planet) he had never actually –seen- any of his victims close up. He had simply blasted them from the shelter of his weaponry. And in all the reports of other worlds his race had conquered all they showed were burning smashed buildings. This….was different. This was a close-up of what carnage really was. Bloody. Bloody and terrifying.

And he found it a bit sickening. He gagged and had to swallow hard to keep from throwing up, the hallway reeling a bit in his vision.

'Finding it all a bit hard to take, eh Zim? It's just fake blood, after all!' Dib grinned. 'Hmm I wonder if you –could- throw up. I've never seen you actually eat anything. But anyway, as the saying goes you ain't seen or heard nuthin' yet! Gaz, you're up! Center stage!'

Zim had regained some control over himself and was slowly making his way down the hallway when the shriek came. Loud. Loud, long and full of soul-torn anguish such as Zim had never heard before in his entire life, despite all the films of conquered worlds he had seen! He had no heart to leap in his throat but his squeedily spooch was doing its level best to fulfill that role. He again flattened himself against the wall and he panted hard, his eyes zipping from one side to the other in panic. "The banshee!" he whispered to himself. He lifted his blaster but his hand was shaking so much it was doubtful he could hit anything shy of an entire wall.

Dib turned the volume down and sounded the shriek again, making it sound as if the banshee had floated down the hallway and into the lobby. Zim's legs could no longer hold him upright at this point and he slid down the wall to sit collapsed on the floor. He closed his eyes in a mighty attempt to regain control over himself.

"I-I-I am Z-ZIM! I f-fear no gh-ghosts or b-b-banshees! I am an In-in-in-invader! An Invader of the m-m-mighty Irken r-r-race! I am Z-Z-ZIM!" he stuttered.

Dib mocked him in his hidden lair. 'M-m-mighty Irken r-r-race, my fanny! Ha! All right, time for the coup de grace, Zim! Your biggest fear! The Unknown!"

After several deep breaths Zim calmed himself enough to stand up and try to continue on. It seemed apparent that the ghosts weren't going to respond to his offer of an alliance and it would be just a waste of time to stay. But Zim couldn't bring himself to go back down that hallway, past the bloodied room and that doll. There had to be another way down and out of this place.

At the end of the hallway he found himself in another corridor. He looked to the left, and then down the right, wondering which direction would be the quicker way. It was then he noticed the large portrait hanging in front of him when his light ran across it, a painting of a man with a beard, moustache and eyes glowering at something to his right. Zim scowled at it.

"Ugly humans. Why do they insist on making ugly pictures of their ugly selves? Ergh!" He again looked down both ways to decide which way to go and then once more glanced up at the painting. His eyes widened and he uttered a strangled gurgle. Its painted eyes were now glowering straight at him!

"No! No! Go away! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Zim wailed as he fired a shot at it then turned to race down the hallway to the left.

"Hmm, I forgot about that thing," Dib murmured. "Oh well. Nice touch, that, Mr Dib!"

At the end of the corridor Zim had to slide to a complete stop, whirling his arms to keep his balance. He would have fallen down the large hole in the floor, otherwise. He gave a rather gaspy growl at it. "Stupid human building, why didn't they remove this? It's all falling down anyway! This wouldn't happen on Irk. OUR buildings stay up! They don't get holes in them!"

The hole was large and as wide as the hallway. Splintered ends of the support beams, long chewed by termites stuck out jaggedly and even then the pests were continuing their feast on the rotted wood. Zim eyed them with contempt. "Bugs that eat the stuff humans use to build their houses with. Hmph. Humans have even less brains than a stagglewort." He shone his light down to gauge the depth of it and saw it continued down to the basement. Whatever had fallen to cause such a hole must have been rather weighty indeed. He could, of course, use his robot spider legs to climb across but he wasn't sure how stable the other side was. Perhaps the right hallway was the better choice after all.

He had almost reached the intersection with the disturbing painting when he heard something that once again made his squeedily spooch tie itself up in knots. A hollow, regular thumping down the hallway.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Whatever it was, it was drawing nearer. Zim tried to swallow but by now his throat was too dry. It could only be one thing…the Haunted Suitcase!

Thump.

Thump.

Zim tried to move but for some reason his legs didn't want to obey. He couldn't find the strength to back away but stood frozen to the spot in absolute terror.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

'Come on! Come on! Move!' Zim tried to convince his body to retreat as the dreaded sound drew ever nearer. Any moment now he would see it turn the corner and then leap out at him as Dib had described. Leap out and snap him up to oblivion!

Thump.

Thump.

A slight movement from the floor corner finally broke Zim from his spell. "YAAAHH!" Again he fired wildly then activated his robot legs to carry him back and over the large hole in the left hallway.

If he had turned back he would have seen a large but puzzled rat staring after him.

Din could hardly contain himself and he wrapped his arms around his body to control his mirth. "Oh man if I don't get to laugh out loud soon I'm gonna pee myself!" he smirked.

Zim had succeeded in scrabbling over and past the gaping hole but when he deactivated them and tried to go on with his own two legs the flooring suddenly got weaker. He tried to find firmer footing but suddenly it all gave way and he fell through with a sharp yelp.

Dib also uttered a sharp cry when Zim landed. By chance it happened to be in the same storage room where the boy had set up his operations. For a moment neither of them knew exactly what had happened as they both tried to clear away the debris from the heads and coughing the dust from their lungs.

It was then they both looked up and saw each other. Dib took in the bedraggled form of Zim, dimly lit by the palm light and Zim took in Dib sitting there surrounded by various technical controls.

Dib spoke first. "Uh…oh." And then…

"YOU!" Zim spat, his eyes narrowed and teeth grinding in fury. "YOU CAUSED ALL THIS!"


	6. Chapter 6

The Haunted Haunt Chapter Six

_(In all my years of writing this is the first time I attempted a fight scene. I had no idea they were so difficult to do and I think I did an ok job.)_

"YOU!"

Dib didn't realize how much hate could be put into a single word until he heard Zim utter it. He also realized he was in a lot of trouble!

"N-now Zim." He stuttered as he tried to back away from the furious alien and stumbling over the pile of rotted boards and plaster. "You said you w-wanted ghosts! I was just…just trying to help, th-that's all!"

"SILENCE!" Zim roared. He reared up on the robot legs until he was towering over Dib. "You think you could frighten the MIGHTY ZIM with YOUR SILLY HUMAN TRICKS! "

"Heh, it-it was all in fun, Zim! Y'know…an earth joke?" Dib still scrabbled back, blinking as Zim's palm light shone straight into his face.

"FUN! I'LL SHOW –YOU- WHAT'S FUN FOR AN INVADER! YOUR DESTRUCTION!"

Dib made out the movement of one of the robot legs coming straight for him and he threw himself to one side just in time. Else he would have been pinned to the floor like a butterfly in an entomologist's collection.

"N-now take it easy, Zim. We humans would PAY for an experience like that! Oof. You got it all for free! Think about…umph..that!" Not only was Dib trying to avoid the pile of decaying wood and plaster but he found himself getting tangled up in the wiring of his own controls. "N-no need to get all…excited! YEOW!"

A near miss, Zim's sharp robot leg had stabbed into the lapels of his coat. Dib tore it free and then flung himself out of the storage room into the old lobby. Zim quickly followed, the legs held at the ready for another strike.

"PAY? WE INVADERS DO NOT PAY FOR ANYTHING! WE TAKE!" Another stab, another miss. "BUT YOU WILL PAY! YES AND PAY DEARLY! WITH YOUR LIFE!"

Dib reached out and found a railing that had fallen from the stairs. He held it out like a baseball bat at home plate. "Then C'MON!" he shouted back. "YOU WANT MY LIFE? TRY AND TAKE IT!"

When the leg stabbed down again the boy whacked it with as much strength as he could manage. The railing split in two but it did manage to catch the leg on a weak spot and gave it a severe dent. Zim's eyes narrowed and he retrieved the legs back into his Pak.

"No, it would be so much more fun to deal with you hand to hand." he growled. "Then you can be a REAL ghost, to join your FALSE ONES!"

"Not if you get there first, alien scum!" Dib panted, his own fists up and at the ready. "I'll break your scrawny neck!"

"My neck is NOT scrawny! I shall BREAK YOUR HUGE BIG HEAD!"

The two beings then flung themselves at each other, punching, kicking, clawing, and biting. The dust of the old house was stirred up in such dense clouds that when Dib had managed to kick Zim off he could hardly make out where the alien had landed. The only light source now was the dim light he had tucked in the storage room.

A fit of coughing and spitting told him Zim was to his left and Dib reached out for any kind of weapon he could find. It was only a chunk of plaster but when he saw Zim's face suddenly lunge towards him through the dense cloud he held it up and swung out, aiming at the red eyes.

"AUUGHH!" More choking and spitting told him he had hit it right in Zim's mouth. "YOU'LL…ugh….PAY FOR THAT, HUMAN DIRTBALL! Pffft!"

Dib slowly got to his feet and spat out some dust himself. He set his glasses back on his face and noticed that one lens had been cracked. Ruefully he wondered how he was going to explain two pairs of broken glasses in one day to his dad. He also felt a trickle of warm blood from the corner of his mouth. So, the alien had drawn first blood, has he? Well, he won't be the only one bleeding soon!

Zim staggered into the slight glow of the storage room lights and Dib noted with no little satisfaction that he too, was cut and bleeding. One of the ruby red eyes was swelling up around its edges as well. They eyed each other for a moment, sizing up each other's damage and deciding what the next plan of attack would be.

"Filthy human!" Zim hissed loudly. "You think you can fool an Invader with your stupid ghost tricks? HAH!"

"Well, I did, didn't I?" Dib shot back. "Admit it, Zim! You were scared stiff! If you had a heart you probably would be lying up in that ball room dead from a cardiac arrest! Or at the very least wet yourself!"

Zim snarled and again the two leapt forward in a killing spree. Dib received several scratches on his face and neck before he remembered Zim's gloves hid rather vicious claws. Grabbing both of the alien's hands he swiftly delivered a couple of kicks into the Irken's midsection that would make a mule proud before they broke off once more.

They stood bent over, panting and glaring at each other. "I shall…I shall dissolve your…disgusting meat body….in acid and then….use your bones….as a coffee table!" Zim rubbed his belly but he still spat out hatred in his threats. "I shall…shall then use... your big head as….as a snack bowl!"

"Oh…oh yeah?" Dib retorted back, trying to get his saliva glands working enough to clear his throat of the dirt. "Well, I'M gonna…stuff you….and have you …on display….in a glass case…..next to….Bigfoot! Then I'll…charge tickets…to have anybody who ….wants to…come stroll through…your base to see…what a failed alien…you are! …were….whatever."

Again they clashed but after just a few blows they separated once more, gasping for breath. It was difficult to fight in a place where not only was it dark but dusty and rickety as well. Zim gave a quick glance down and noted angrily that his palm light had been lost in the scuffles. Yet another reason to smash this puny human to a pulp.

Dib's glasses were coming off the worse for wear, only one lens remained. His coat was torn and blood seeped through his tattered shirt. Zim's tunic was also torn and the boy gave a satisfied smile when he noted it was also stained with whatever passed for Irken blood. "Does it really….take so long…for a 'superior' species…to dispose of…a human?" he gasped. He felt something loose in his mouth and spat out a tooth. At least the blood helped clear some of the dirt out.

"I'm just….drawing it out…for the sport of it…filthy human…pig stink!" Zim wheezed. His left eye was almost swollen shut by now. "But I WILL…I WILL…finish you!"

They were just about to gather the strength to lash out again when they heard a low evil chuckling echoing all about them. "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"

They both froze, looking up in astonishment. Zim then snorted.

"Stop it, Dib-dirt. I'm…not falling…for that again."

Dib didn't move, but kept staring up and around. "Whu…what?"

The deep chuckle came again. "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH! HOW SWEET! FRESH MEAT!" It was almost a purr, a loud resounding purr that seemed to vibrate right through their bodies.

"STOP IT, HUMAN WASTE PILE!"Zim snarled.

"I didn't….I didn't record that…" Dib said faintly. "And…I'm not in the control area…."

They both slowly looked to the hidden place with the control panels and switches. It was, of course, empty.

It was a few moments before Zim said slowly, "Then, if it isn't you doing that, who is?"

"I…don't know." Dib answered, rather faintly.

"HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH. YOU DON'T KNOW?" The voice, low and powerful, gloated. "I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. AFTER ALL, WHAT DID YOU COME LOOKING FOR?"

"Ahhhh…..nothing!" Dib began backing away carefully, trying to remember just where the door was in the lobby. "Just…y'know…heh heh…nothing!"

Zim was also seeking the exit, moving as slowly back as Dib. "Nothing here too! I…wasn't looking….for ghosts! I was looking….for…some..…some souvenirs! Yes!" He reached down and snatched up the half of railing that Dib had broken on his robot leg. "And I have one. Now. Thanks."

"OH REALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY." The deep voice surrounded them, entered them and made their organs quiver uncomfortably. "IS THAT ALLLLLLLLLLL?"

"Ah..yeah! That's..that's it, all right!" Dib picked up a small chunk of plaster. "This place…it-it's a part of the past…y'know! Just…just wanted to….keep a piece of…history. See? Th-that's all!"

"HISSSSSSSTTTTOOOOOORRRYYYYYYY," Both human and alien winced at the volume. "WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE A PART OF IT INSTEAD? HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"

"Uh…no!" Dib broke first and bolted for the door, or at least where he remembered it would be. Zim was right behind him and they both scrabbled for the handle.

"Where's your stupid light? Use it!" Dib hissed between his teeth.

"You made me drop it!" Zim hissed back. "Open this zargraphin' door, will you?"

Somehow they managed to grab the handle and wrench the heavy door open, almost off its hinges. Seconds later they managed to race down the steps, the pathway and the hill without breaking either their necks or their limbs. At the bottom they split off but didn't slow down one fraction until they reached the safety of their own homes.

Dib burst in his front door and then slunk down it, gasping for breath. His glasses had been lost in the final rush but he didn't care to go out again to look for them. After he had regained enough strength to manage to stay upright he staggered into his bathroom to clean up.

Zim also burst in his house and also sagged to the floor in relief. Gir looked at him in surprise. "Awwwww, poor master's got owies!"

Zim just grunted, not wanting to bother using the energy to even give a reply. Gir was also silent for a moment, then he said brightly "I fix!"

Leaving the living room humming happily he soon returned with….duct tape and waffles. Zim didn't have the strength to protest as the little robot began to cheerfully treat his master by bandaging him with the unorthodox items.

Gaz gave her brother a long look when he came into the kitchen for breakfast the next day. "What happened to you? Get stuck in a bag full of cats?"

"I dunno. Maybe. Yeah." was his dull reply. He didn't offer any other explanation but ate his breakfast silently. The only time he made any other noise was when he winced on a couple of bites.

At skool the usual banter and challenging stares between Zim and Dib in the classroom was remarkably missing. The other kids glanced at them both, wondering what had happened that made them in such a rather disheveled state and so quiet. Dib kept holding his jaw with one hand as he wrote his work out and Zim used his free hand to constantly rub at his left eye. (The contact was having trouble staying on because of the swelling.) There was none of the alien accusations from Dib and Zim didn't even utter one single yell of protest when Ms Bitters gave him the extra chore of dusting the eraser boards.

It was almost creepy.

During the lunch recess period Zim stood once more at the fence line. To his surprise Dib joined him, although about ten feet apart. They were silent for a moment or so. Then.

"So." Zim grunted.

"Yeah," Dib answered in the same tone.

"If it –wasn't- you," Zim stated slowly. "Then who, or what was it?"

"I don't know." Dib's answer was also slow. "I can't think of any logical explanation."

"Was it a real ghost then?"

"I guess so."

Before anything else could be uttered Gail and her party once more made their way to the benches. Giggling happily, they turned their attention to the book, begging her to read more of the tale. Gail obliged them.

"Once more the haunted cries of the ghost came to her tormented ears. In the next second she was sure it would find her and drag her from her hiding place! And then!"

Zim turned a few shades paler green and slowly backed down and away from the story. Dib did likewise, his own face color draining away a bit. They made their way down to the benches where Gaz sat with her most recent game.

She looked up in annoyance. "Now what's the matter with you two? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"Don't say that!" Dib hissed through his teeth and Zim nodded vigorously.

"Yes, Dib-worm-sibling! Do not say that!"

"Whatever." Gaz shrugged and turned her attention back to her game. Out of the corner of her eye she watched the two wander about the playground, anywhere to get out of earshot of the ghost tale being recited. She smiled a slow smile.

From her pocket she took a small object. With a quick flick it shone bright and clear and with another flick she turned it off. It was Zim's palm light. "This is pretty cool," she murmured. She glanced back up at the retreating backs of her brother and the alien, then shook her head in disgust.

"Boys!" she snorted. And she went back to her game.

~ finis ~


End file.
